Gay Killings in Iraq Escalate

For me, this news is beyond horrible. I can’t even imagine how it must feel, to be so persecuted, to be so scared all the time. Being gay in my country isn’t easy. But I can’t even remember the last time I was “taunted” for being gay. Gay people in Iraq are being killed in the saddest, most humiliating ways. I hope there’s a way to help them.

(click to read full story)

Far From the Madding Crowd.

I have not seen the inside of a bar in months. Alcohol has become so alien to me, that during Sinulog, a few shots of gin had me singing and dancing like some virginal high school kid on his first drinking binge. My friends have become so used to me declining invitations for parties, night outs, drinking sprees that they’ve altogether stopped texting me, except for the occasional “Are you still alive?” text. My Friendster, Facebook, Multiply, and Myspace accounts are gathering dust and cobwebs. So are the blogs I used to keep and religiously update. I rarely go anywhere on my own, not even to Ayala or SM or even the nearest sari-sari store. I can’t send or reply to text messages without them being scrutinized first. In fact, I can’t do anything without asking permission. Period.

Am I in some sort of crazy, super-strict boot camp for 20-somethings with no direction in life, you ask? Have I decided that the real world is much too tedious and decided to quit it altogether and become a hermit instead? Have I found Nirvana in the hands of hundreds of pirated DVDs and 90s books I’ve stacked over the years and have just come to appreciate?

The answer is YES, but only for the last part. Pirated DvDs, Angela’s Ashes, and fantasy novels have become part of my daily life. Just now, I am discovering that Ned Pace of Pushing Daisies is cute, and I’d like to be Kristin Chenoweth’s BFF, if she’d have me. For the first two speculations, I’m glad to say that No, I’m not in some boot camp, and No, I have not given up on life no matter how much it sucks sometimes, or people no matter how douche-y some can be.

The simple answer is, I’m just in love.

I know it’s cheesy. It’s a cliche to the nth power. But it’s the truth. I have sacrificed the life I used to live, alienated the people I call friends, given up on things I used to enjoy, for love. Sometimes, I wonder if it’s worth it. I know I’m missing a lot. I’m not young, and if I didn’t get out there and go wild, I’d regret it. I miss my friends terribly, but they’ve assured me that they understand. I’m sure they said that when they thought this was a one month affair. Seeing that we’ve lasted seven months (and counting), they’ve given up on trying to coax me out of hiding.

The thing is, I actually like it. I like it that he tells me EXACTLY what he thinks or feels. He tells me EXACTLY what he expects from me. He says, “From now on, you’ll have to stay away from bars, drinking, all that sh*t. No more chatting, no more textmates.” He only allows me to go out when he’s with me or if it’s very important. The best part is that he keeps his end of the bargain. What I can’t do, he makes sure he never does, too. Our lives revolve around each other, and our families. This is a far cry from my relationships of yore. I’m not saying they were bad, only that focus seemed to be more on fun and freedom, not each other.

The truth is, I feel that this is what I need. I know it’s much too Stockholm syndrome sounding, or whatev. But I feel that he is a good influence on me. He’s very responsible, smart, caring, firm. And I badly need responsible, smart, caring, and firm in my life right now. I need to know where I’m going, and he’s actually helping me get there.

I’m aware that part of this need to always be aware of each other is due to insecurities, fear of loss, and other things that try new relationships. I’m confident that the time will come that we’ll both outgrow this. From this experience, we’ll emerge confident and sure of each other’s love.

I don’t know if one day, I’ll wake up with a broken heart, and one sore ego, having given up a whole LIFE just for him. But I won’t regret it. Because of him, I realized I can love this way, with everything that I am, and have. It’s a pretty humbling lesson for someone who thought that he’s got “loving” in the bag.

Enough.

I can’t believe how stupid I’ve been. The signs were right before my eyes, and yet, I kept on ignoring them, believing you instead. Your words were sincere, your delivery, flawless. Copious tears, check. Denial and indignation, check. Dramatic walk out exit, check. For your performance, you deserve a standing ovation, an Oscar, hundreds of acting awards. I have nothing to blame but myself. So pathetic. I quit. Love is not worth it.

WTF.

I am so tired of this.

Greetings, Earthlings.

Single on Christmas Eve. Nothing can be more excruciating than this. And the break-up just mere days past. The timing couldn’t be more perfect. Here I am, forced to exude happiness and good cheer to everyone around me, when I just want to curl up and pretend that nothing else exists.

Stop.

I think I’m way over the melodramatic moi. I don’t really feel the urge to spill my heart out online anymore, to be dissected, analyzed, commented upon by friends, or just anyone who happens to read my thoughts. However helpful it is (and yes, it does help to get a wake-up call), I’m just not up to it anymore. I don’t know if his leaving brought it or it’s just a sign of old age (mine), but for now, no details regarding my heartache. Only rants that it should coincide on the day I should be most happy.

That being said, I wish all of you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I think I can summon enough strength to put on a happy Christmas-y face for my family and friends. I hope none of you is (are?) going through the same thing, or worse. In fact, I fervently wish that all of you feel so happy, so contented, so at peace with life, so loved today because knowing that makes me happy, too. Honestly.

And if ever YOU read this, I just want to say that it was great while it lasted. You have been one of the best things that happened to me EVER, like in the history of my life. ^^ Take good care of yourself. I wish you all the best. As for me, I think you already know what my Christmas wish is.

End of Transmission.

just a few q’s

Obviously, these are personal questions/thoughts that have been bothering me for a while now. I love my boyfriend, yes, but we have issues. And the way I/we deal with our issues seems to be ineffective. I can’t seem to think straight, or look at our problems in a different light or from another perspective. I have just been so out of touch recently. All my time is spent with my guy, and I sometimes feel disconnected with the world. So I need some help. Maybe just some insights from y’all would do. Thanks.

1. Should you always ask your partner’s permission when you go out/meet friends/etc?

2. Does your partner know your passwords (ie Multiply, Friendster, LJ etc) and if not, would you give it if he/she asked? Do you check each other’s phones?

3. Do you see each other everyday? If physically impossible, do you see each other as often as you can?

4. If your partner isn’t out (or assuming you’re straight, if your partner hasn’t told people about your relationship), should you be bothered?

5. In relation to number four, if he/she asks you to wait until he/she can muster some courage to go public, would you? How long would you wait?

It’s hot. Thanks, Jacob for the tip. ^^

MEME TIME. (i enjoyed this one, forrreeaallzzz!)

So, I gotta give props to my friend 0821 for making my day a bit more interesting. I rarely do these things but I found this one fun and cute. Hahaha. Give it a try, y’all.

1. Next to each number, write only the name of the person who fits. (couldn’t help to put in some comments :c sorry meme gods)
2. Answer one question with one name.
3. Don’t tell the questions to anyone who isn’t doing the meme.

1. tatsu_kun
2. i_am_only_human.
3. wolf007
4. _0821, OMG, she can even be president, for sure.
5. aryanvsaryan.
6. tatsu_kun. ugh. so twisted, bb.
7. moki
8. asthenos
9. firemaplesong
10. _0821 lol. wut?
11. aryanvsaryan
12. elevatoring
13. thatalexguy so cute.
14. i_am_only_human work it.
15. i_am_only_human two in a row? you know you laveettt, bb.
16. devomatt but he can be the opposite, i guess.
17. _0821 ^^
18. skewerbiatch
19. skewerbiatch
20. jeub you know it. :p
21. skewerbiatch i’m just guessing that this is what it means.
22. lost_at_12pm still guessing here.
23. my boy totally owns me. i am pwnd for layyyffff.
24. asthenos *goes into hiding*
25. lost_at_12pm because i think he’s that kind of guy. :p
26. _0821 girls? easy. :p
27. enamoured for real.
28. tatsu_kun because he will totes bring it.
29. seriously? firemaplesong *blush*
30. intrigued yet? :p message me for the questions. you know you want to.

Help?

I am such a noob when it comes to tech stuff, so imma need your help here. How do I remove that swimming lady from my page?! How do I change the background?! What the hell is CSS?!

I am actually loving the page itself, and the font and all that. But I don’t need that girl in my life (the swimming lady I mean). Sigh. 

 

Please help me. :c

A Week’s Worth of Rant.

Yes, after six looooong, horrible days of Internet withdrawal, I’m back. Unintentional, rest assured. I did not decide to just drop off the face of the Internet world all of a sudden. Globelines just f*cked up my connection so bad. I mean, six days to get it fixed? Dude, where else but with Globe does that even happen? I should’ve gone with the PLDT plan or something.

Obyusly, I’m not in such a good mood as I’m writing this. Aside from still not getting over Globelines’ messing up my Internet life, I had a fight with my boy. *sigh* I dunno. He already apologized but I told him not to text and it’s hell. Pride is something I’m very familiar with, though, and humility has never been one of my best traits. So here I am, hurt, depressed, sad, knowing I could make things easier by sending just one text message, but my hands are frozen. I just can’t. I’m such an a**hole this way. 

But anyway, to get on with  my post, the past week has been a rollercoaster ride, filled with highs and lows. More lows than I really care to admit, but nothing really “heartbreaking.” For those who care to know, read on. Not much pleasantness and I’m not writing in my usual “giddy/happy/crazy” way, so it might not make for a fun, even coherent read. But whatev. Here goes:

1. I found out that an abomination, surely something spawned in the depths of Hell, called “Lipgloss”, (supposedly based on my untouchable, totally awesome current addiction/obsession, “Gossip Girl”) is airing on Philippine television.

Until now, the memory of seeing the YouTube clip of their promo and first episode makes me want to cry, laugh, and throw a bitch tantrum all at the same time. It is SO BAD, it makes me want to go to Manila and chain myself to the gates of the effing network airing the show in the hopes that they would STOP INFLICTING the show on us, or me lang if I’m the only one who hates it, which I think is far from likely. YES. THAT BAD. Why, you ask? The reasons are so many, I don’t even know where to start. The casting is so wrong, and all of them need to go back to acting workshops a hora mismo. That Magalona chick as Serena?! That Mikee guy as Chuck!? WTF? The girl patterned after Blair has some potential though. She’s pretty and does look like Blair in some angles. But she can’t do bitchin’ like Blair does. Do we even have an Upper East Side? Do kids in elite schools really have a “Face of the First Day of School” contest, whatever that is? The settings are poor, the direction is terrible. There is just no air of elegance, of posh in the show whatsoever. I’m going to stop now or else my heart will burst. Basta, see it for yourselves guys, especially those who love GG like me. Then rant.

2.  We’ve reached one month.

 He gave me this huge heart-shaped pillow which I love and a  cute card. I gave him a shirt. The gifts do not really matter, though. It just feels amazing that we’ve been going out for a month now, but I feel like we’ve been together for years. We see each other EVERY DAY, without fail. Hai. I hate it when we fight though. It makes me feel so vulnerable, clueless, weak. I dunno.  I almost broke up with him, but that’s another story and one I don’t want to get into, much less remember. It was that painful. I just hope I get over this “paranoia” thing, the trust issues soon. I don’t know how long I can hold out. It’s just so unfamiliar to me now, starting over.

3. I have not gone out to drink/dance/party in the past few weeks. Yes. Really.

An achievement, I would say. I think the last time I had alcohol in my system was during the Company Outing. Funny, though. I don’t feel the need to get out. I’m perfectly happy staying at home, spending time with my boi. This is not normal behavior for me. Usually, I would ditch anyone for the prospect of a fun night out with friends. Since he came, I’ve been content. He’s everything I want in a guy. Smart, funny, affectionate, sexy. Hahaha! Why the hell would I want to get out of the house pa? ^^

But we’re fighting. *sigh*

 

4. Finally caught up with my reading, at last. Now, I don’t feel intellectually starved or something.

So, my boi lent me a lot of awesome, awesome books I haven’t read (A Million Little Pieces, Angela’s Ashes, Good Omens, Mattimeo and a dozen more). Thank God. Before he lent me the books, I was feeling a wee bit uninspired, dumb, artistically and intellectually barren. Reading books always get my creative juices running, makes me eager to do things, start things. So thanks for my boi for his great books (and he’s got taste, too). Now, I feel more at peace with myself. I’m even beginning to write stuff now. ^^

But we’re fighting. Hay.

5. Gossip Girl is back,  bitches.

I suggest the peeps over at the network airing the utterly terrible “Lipgloss” start watching GG NOW to see how it’s really done. I am so addicted to this show that I even check their Nielsen ratings. Glad to say that the second season premiere debuted with the highest ever number of watchers in the history of GG. Although still a small number, I hope it grows and grows. I just love this show SFM!

 

That’s it. I told you it wasn’t that good a read, my post. But anyway, hope you guys had a good, if not a better week. This week isn’t looking too good for me, what with all this fighting, and the Lipgloss still on air, and shit. *sigh* What should I do to get out of this funk?