Collision.

Like a true, romantic fool, and one that thrives on complications, I am once again making one of the most terrible mistakes of my entire life. And I’m not doing anything about it.

Like watching a car crash unfold, from the moment it hits the wall until the bloody remains are removed from the scene,  I am riveted to this sordid moment of my life. I know the result will be disastrous, and the casualties many. I know my heart will be like the driver’s body, broken and bloodied beyond description. And like most car crashes, I am helpless from the moment I lost control of the wheel.

These car crashes in my life are many and varied, ranging from minor scrapes, to all out,  teeth-shattering collisions. My decision to get a credit card was a minor scrape, yes, but when I decided to spend all of it within the space of a week, now that was a classic. When I took on a lover, that was supposed to be minor. But when my real lover found out, I thought I’d never recover. I sometimes believe that when God chose the gifts He’ll give me, He decided foresight won’t be part of it.

Today’s car crash involves three passengers. Me, and two of my ex’s. The first and more recent ex still loves me and wants me back. The second ex, I broke up with years ago, but is the love of my life. From the moment I said to Ex Number Two, “Yes, we can meet.”, I knew I’ve already lost control. Somewhere, I knew there was a wall waiting for me, with my name on it. And although I was very much, although recently, single when I agreed to meet him, I knew that if I did, I’d lose my mind, and heart all over again. I asked for time and space from Ex Number One, which he gave me. But if he finds out that I’ve been seeing (and making out with) Ex Number Two, and that he’s planning to move in with me, all hell will break lose.

I know I can stop this from happening, and probably save all of us the grief. But I can’t. Although it may seem I’m just being a selfish prick, I honestly don’t think it’s time for me and Number Two to be together again.

I know how this ends, so I’ll just sit back and enjoy the ride. After all, until the crash happens, it won’t get any better than this.